Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor

Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor is #44 in project #EuropeanBios. Charlie was ruler of most of Europe in one of the most exciting periods of European history but despite this he was dull as fuck. He's so dull I'm going to spend half the thread talking about his great-great-grandson.

Charlie, who would probably have had me executed for calling him that, was born in 1500. His mother was Joanna of Castile, who was the daughter of one of our previous subjects, Isabella of Castille, who was truly a bad-ass:

On his father's side, Charlie was a Habsburg, who gave him his "Holy Roman Emperor" title. That title was invented by another Charlie we've covered previously, Charlemagne, who was actually kind of a nerd:

As a result of these two very illustrious parents Charlie was referred to as the "universal inheritor" because he inherited rule of a solid half of Europe just by being born. He was not so much born on third base as born owning the baseball team.

In the same way that even a very stupid person born with a lot of money can make a ton of money just by leaving it in a bank, all Charlie needed to do to remain very powerful indeed was not lose the empire and this he just about managed to do despite constant war with France.

In addition to not losing his territories in Europe, he managed not to lose South America, which P.S. he also inherited. He was very religious and keen on converting Native Americans and that turned out how it usually does, i.e. really badly for the Native Americans.

His other notable act is an absolutely horrifying gaslighting of his own mother, Joanna of Castile, known as "Joanna the Mad". She was probably not mentally ill at all, this was the excuse he used to keep her locked away from the public while he used her power for himself.

While telling the world she was mad, he kept Joanna surrounded by a strictly controlled set of people who only fed her approved lies so that she would not attempt to go against him. It was marginally less cruel than having her assassinated but only a little. It was truly wild.

In terms of achievements that's it for Charlie. Didn't lose any territory, gaslit his mom. The only other interesting thing about Charles V is that he represented the first warning signs in a process of dynastic consolidation that would eventually result in disaster.

The reason Charlie V was so powerful was because his parents, who were cousins, married each other. Thus he, their child, inherited both their territories, merging them into a single gigantic empire without the trouble and expense of a war, which is how it was previously done.

It is not recommended that cousins marry and with good reason: inbreeding can introduce recessive genes and other genetic developmental abnormalities. This manifested in Charlie as a family trait that eventually turned into a serious problem, the "Habsburg Jaw".

Even a flattering portrait of Charles shows a prominent jaw. Less flattering ones show the true extent of the problem: he had an underbite so severe it severely impacted his ability to speak clearly or chew food. He spoke in a whisper, and rarely ate in front of other people.

But the temptation of gaining vast kingdoms without war by marrying people who were already related proved too tempting for the Habsburgs, who got completely carried away resulting eventually in Charles V's great-great-grandson, Charles 2 of Spain, who ruled everything in color:

Ruling nearly all of Europe through succession required a LOT of inbreeding. Charles 2's family tree is not a tree so much as a wreath. His mother was his father's niece and there was a LOT of that up and down the tree. You can see Charlie V up at the top.

(The only other royal family I've heard of getting this ridiculous was Cleopatra's. In Cleopatra's family things got so complicated that they literally lost count of how many queens had been called "Cleopatra" and accidentally skipped Cleopatra 6.)

Charles 2, as is clear from even his most flattering portraits, had severe facial abnormalities. He did not learn to talk until he was 4, he could not walk properly, or dress himself. He was unable to have children, so when he died there was a struggle for succession.

The problem with him being related to absolutely every royal family in Europe through tangled chains of cousins is that basically everyone had some kind of claim to Charles 2's throne. The result was a gigantic war that engulfed Europe, it was a total disaster.

And honestly that's Charles V's legacy. He made inbreeding look like a good idea, resulting in a single consolidated European empire ruled by a man who was mentally incapable of even understanding that fact, far less running the empire. Monarchy is gross, folks.